Wednesday, December 17, 2008

33 weeks and last baby shower!

Wow! I am 33 weeks! Can you even believe it? Actually 33 1/2 since I'll be 34 weeks this Friday. As Samantha says "that is really, really pregnant!".

My besties Sam and Christina threw me my third and final baby shower last Saturday. It was so, so much fun! I got some really great stuff including baby Sam's car seat! Yay! Now I won't have to strap him in the bumbo seat whenever we need to go anywhere!

As you can see I am the size of a small apartment. When I found out I was pregnant I remember thinking I wouldn't gain any more than maybe 25 lbs. Yea, let's just say at my last doctor's visit which was only about 2 weeks ago, I was at like 35 lbs! Seriously? I have a feeling I will be close to the 50 lbs mark when it is all said and done. I am praying I won't go over that although I don't guess it wouldn't be impossible or unreasonable to think I might even hit the 60 lbs mark at this rate.

And I am not one of those beautiful pregnant women who just glow. Nope. Not me. My stomach starts directly under my boobs so my entire torso is HUGE. And despite the weight gain my boobs have not grown. I can still wear the same cup size I did when I got pregnant. There really is no begining and no end when it comes to my back and butt. They just kind of run in together. Very attractive. I look like Danny DiVito as the Penguin.

Every time the MD sees me he comments on how big the baby is. Richard was over 9 lbs and I was over 8. I am just hoping this guy isn't going to be something like and 11 pounder. If so I think I will have to beg the dr. to take him and not tourture me with labor and trying to deliver a baby of that size. Then again, looks could be deceiveing. I am 5'1 with a short waist so maybe I just look a lot bigger than I (he is) am.

I am starting to feel a little better than I have been the past couple of months. I have also started washing all the baby's sheets, blanket and clothes. It's a fun chore though.

I can't believe in just a few more weeks I'll be holding him in my arms! Yay!!!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Yay Samantha, Jason and Emerson!!

Last Friday my BFF Sam got the best news...their dossier was sent to Ethiopia and they are officially waiting! YAY!

I am beyond thrilled for them. Samantha has had adoption in her heart for so long now and it's so amazing that finally it's happening for them!

Soon they will have sweet baby Maya in their arms!

Friday, November 28, 2008

31 Weeks and lots to be thankful for!

Wow! I am 31 weeks! Can you even believe it? Time is going by so fast. It's amazing. Lately I haven't been feeling too swift. Doctor has check just about everything and all seems to be okay. We had an ultrasound 3 weeks ago and Samuel was estimated to weight 3 lbs! Whoa baby! Big baby :) Last Friday we also had our 3-d ultrasound. Richard is going to help me upload some pictures and the video. It was amazing! I swear I already love this baby SO much. I can't even begin to imagine what I will feel when I finally hold him. I think my heart may explode.

We stayed in Nashville this Thanksgiving because the three hour drive is getting harder and harder to make. My mom got super sick on Wed. so she wasn't able to make it up to see us,but my MIL came and spent Thursday with us.

I drive to Memphis this next weekend \, for my second of three showers. It is being given by my Aunt Denny and my cousin Lindsay. I am so thankful for them putting this together for me. They have SO much going on so it really means a lot.

The following weekend my BFF, Samantha is throwing me a shower. Again, so touched because I know putting these things together are not easy or cheap and she is currently in the process of adopting her sweet little girl from Ethiopia (Blog is Family Hood) so it means so much that she is doing this. I am very, very excited :)

I have so much to be thankful for. My wonderful husband, my wonderful friends, my loving family and this sweet baby boy that will be here soon. Life is good :)

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Empathy Belly

This was taken at our first labor and delivery class, 10/28/08. They made Ricahrd lay in a bed, under a sheet and toss and turn and then get up to give him an idea how simple things can become a challange when you are carrying 20+ extra pounds all in your belly. He really did have a hard time and complained because he had to wear the belly for 25 minutes. I of course loved every minute of it =D

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Labor of Love

Tonight is our first "Labor of Love" class. In this class they teach you first signs that you are in labor, pain management techniques, laboring positions, etc.

The class is a 6 weeks series. Once a week from 6:30-8:30. Gosh, I am usually asleep by 8:30 so I am going to feel like a real party animal tonight :) I am excited and hope I don't get too freaked out right away.

This weekend (really this month) is going to be really busy. Friday we are going to Matt and Rachel's to help give out candy and to have chili. Yum! Matt and Richard are going to carve pumpkins, too. It will be fun. We spent last holloween with them and they actually had a lot of trick or treaters come by. All of them so,so cute! Rachel, Matt and Richard all went to college together so Rachel and I of course became close friends when I moved to Nashville. I was in her wedding and now it's so fun because we both are pregnant. She is only about 5 weeks ahead of me, so it's so great to share this experiance with a good friend.

On Saturday I plan on getting up and leaving Nashville no later than 7:30 am to drive to Mississippi. My friend Amanda is have a wedding shower on Saturday so I am driving home for that plus my cousin Jennifer is also pregnant (again, only about 4-6 weeks ahead of me)and her shower is on Sunday. So busy weekend but full of lots of fun stuff!!

Okay- Keep your fingers crossed I can stay awake for the whole class tonight :)

Friday, October 24, 2008

26 weeks!

Wow! 26 weeks! It's so unreal that we are at this point. I have never been this happy in my whole life.

So here is the belly at 25 weeks. My belly is HUGE! My mom came in town the other day and we were shopping at Kroger. I was a few feet in front of her and I turned to tell her something and she just started laughing hysterically. She said "You are so pregnant". It really is comical.

I feel pretty good, although I can't remember the last time I got a good nights sleep.

Our little monkey is moving and kicking and punching and I think sometimes he is doing cartwheels! He kicks so hard you can see my belly move now. It's amazing. I am so ready to meet this little guy, but I know a part of me will miss being pregnant. I have honestly enjoyed it and realize just what a blessing it is.

I still very much am interested in Vietnam adoption news and am so saddened to hear how things are turning out. I can't stop thinking of all those families who have been waiting years for a child who suddenly are faced with the reality they have to consider other options. And most importantly the children who need families to love. Richard and I would have been waiting 19 months (not long compared to some) if we were still in the program. And let's please not talk about the money lost. And when we signed on to the VN program we were assured by our agency it was a very stable program. Which at the time I am sure they believed it was. But by September 2007 (or a bit earlier) I had serious doubts and went to our agency about them. I told them I was concerned about the program being over taxed and the corruption. I expressed my fear that the program would implode and we would all be left at square one. I knew that with all the problems and issues that the program was having it was not a 'secure program'. Yet I was assured by my agency that I was wrong and that I was being "emotional" and that my fears were baseless. Everything I heard was "rumor". So I took their word for it. After all they were the experts, not me. Richard kept telling me to be more positive. But I could not ignore what I kept reading over and over. I don't want to be negative, but I didn't want to be naive, either.

I still have that email from my agency assuring me how stable the program in Vietnam was. I was urged to not switch programs (we strongly considered Ethiopia) and that we would bring home a child from Vietnam.

I understand at that time they might not have KNOWN what exactly was going to happen. My point is that if I, someone who was pretty new to adoption, had a strong gut feeling, idea, suspicion that things were not going to turn out well for all, that CHI knew a lot more than they were letting on. I believe they had information that they chose not to share with their clients. I got all my information from just doing a little research on the Internet. They had first hand connections, yet they didn't realize how bad it was but I did...?? I feel like they handled my husband's and my case very carelessly. My Bestie Samantha and her family are adopting from Ethiopia. I had to recommend that she not go with our agency based on our experience.

I want to stress I am not blaming CHI for what happened in VN, obviously. But I was not happy with the way our specific case was handled and I feel like all through the process information was with held from us.

I didn't mean to get into all that, but when I think of the families that I started the adoption process with who are hurting it breaks my heart. It's just a sad situation for everyone. The families and the children.

Okay, something that I found hilarious!-- So Richard does most of his research on rats (sorry rat lovers),so we got Samuel a stuffed rat so he can grow up and be like his daddy. Well, we got our swing for Sam the other day and we noticed the thing has buckles. So Rich decided the sensible thing to do was to practice strapping in "the baby" so when it is really time to put him in, we know what we are doing. The rat is what Richard practiced on!

Sam's Room!

Samuel's room is almost done! I am pretty happy with how it tunred out. I did a couple of art projects for his room. I painted the letters on the wall behind his crib and added the ribbon and I painted the "samuel" train on the shelf. Our mothers bought us the glider and I am beyond thrilled to have it! It's so comfy. I sit in it and look around his room and imagine what it will be like once he is here!

So you can see he already has lots of stuff! What you don't see is the dresser full of even more clothes and shoes. Oh the shoes! He has a bunch of different sneakers and even hiking boots! They are so cute I cant NOT get them!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Snakes and Snails and puppy dog tails!!

Yep! It's a BOY! A sweet, little boy!

Richard and I couldn't be any happier!

Friday, August 29, 2008

18 Weeks!

I am 18 weeks today! Yay! I had a doctor's appointment this past Wednesday and got to hear the baby's heart beat again. The sweetest sound ever! And we set up an appointment to find out gender! September 11th! I am sososososo excited!

Next Wednesday we are going to tour Baptist's labor and delivery unit and then the following Monday we are going to tour Centennial Women's hospital. So we should know where we are delivering pretty soon. I would like to take childbirth classes at the same hospital we have the baby. At first this pregnancy seemed to be creeping by so slowly. Now I feel like it has really picked up momentum and is going by pretty fast!

Oh, I felt the baby move! It is obviously very subtle, but it is such a great feeling! The baby is now about 5.5 inches and weighs just over 5 ounces. Considering I was reading about the baby when it was just the size of a poppy seed, that seems huge! Oh, and my uterus is the size of a cantaloupe. Average weight gain for this week is 10-13 lbs. I am right at 10 lbs so I am hoping if I continue to eat a healthy diet I can avoid gaining something dreadful like 60 lbs! My diet is pretty good, but I have got to get more active. Before I was pregnant, I worked out all the time! Jogged, walked, aerobics, light weights. The first trimester I felt great, but I was exhausted! I definitely didn't have the energy to work out. Now I feel like I have more energy, but it's just so hard to get back into the routine. Plus if I am going to do any exercise, it needs to be in the am. After a full day of work now way can I muster up the energy to do it. I will set a goal to start next week.

Not a whole lot else going on. Richard is still plugging away at school trying to finish. We love our new apartment. There is so much more room and it just feels so much more open.

I am anxious to see what happens with the dossiers on Monday. I am saying a prayer that something wonderful happens and they aren't sent back. I am also saying a prayer for all the families who are waiting to bring their children home.

I hope everyone has a great Labor Day.

Oh, and one last thing…. GGGOOO OBamba!!!!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

16 weeks and hard decisions.

Tomorrow I am 16 weeks! 4 months, wow! I have to post a belly picture soon. I have really popped! Still feeling great with the exception of a few bad headaches. Other than that, so far so good.

We are moved in! We started moving things Thursday afternoon and had everything done by Sunday. Everything. From organized drawers to curtains hung! I love it. It seems so much bigger. Definitely much more open. We were able to turn the guest bedroom into a bedroom/office. So Richard now has a quiet place to go and work while he is at home. And of course we have baby-baby's room set up. I have more to do in there like pictures, rugs, etc, but I will wait until we find out if our little one will pee standing up or sitting down :)

So it looks like we are officially staying in Nashville for at least the next two years. Richard is taking a position at Vanderbilt so now all he has to do is graduate :) We are shooting for late October. It would have been really nice to move back home to Memphis. He had a great interview with ST. Jude and they really liked him. Vanderbilt just seemed to be the better fit for many different reasons. And 3 hours isn't so far, right? Plus we both really love Nashville and wouldn't mind staying indefinitely.

This week we officially withdrew from CHI's Vietnam program. It's something he and I have been talking about doing since April. We just needed a lot of time to think about it to make sure 100% it is what we wanted to do. We still plan on adopting. No question there; just where and with whom we aren't sure of. Right now it looks like we would adopt from Ethiopia, but we will of course have to evaluate all the programs that are out there in about a year. I have a lot more to say regarding withdrawing from CHI and my feelings on officially leaving the VN program but I will write about that later.

Oh! I want to say congratulations to my bestie Samantha! She and her family have started the process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia! YAY!!! I am sosososos excited for her! This is something she has wanted to do forever and I am so happy they have officially started! Her 2 year old daughter, Emerson will make an awesome big sister! I couldn't be more excited for all three of them!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Today I had an OB appointment. Richard and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. It was so amazing. It was strong and fast and it made me cry :) I feel good that baby-baby is doing well. The doctor said we still have 6-7 more weeks until we find out the gender. Why are they torturing me?? Oh well, it will go by soon enough.

We definitely have enough to keep us busy and our minds on other things. We are moving next weekend into a three bedroom. I am so excited to put the nursery together. We bought nursery furniture a while back when we expected to be bringing Sam home much sooner. I am glad that buying furniture is one thing we don't have to worry about. Plus we got such an awesome deal on what we bought.

We also have a wedding in Atlanta to attend this weekend. Richard's sister, Sally is getting married. We are leaving after work on Thursday and won't return to Nashville until Sunday afternoon. So that only leaves us 6 more days to pack. And we cant start on any of those days until after we get home from work, like 5:30 or 6:00. Gross. I hate moving. Good news is that we hired movers so we don't have to do any heavy lifting !!

Friday, July 25, 2008

13 Weeks!

Today I am 13 weeks. The baby is just over 3 inches long and is about the size of a peach. I remember reading when we first found out that I was pregnant that the baby was the size of a poppy seed. s/he has really done some growing in the past few weeks. And I must say, so have I! At 3 months pregnant I officially cannot fit into anything of mine that zips, buttons or clasps. I had to go out and buy some sun dresses to get me through the summer. Luckily it is easy to find styles that are loose fitting and flowing.

Overall I have been very lucky. No real morning sickness to speak of. Occasionally I get a 'unsettled' feeling in my tummy, but usually if I snack on something it goes away. So, eat I must :) I was really, super tired the first couple of months. I would come home from work, eat and go straight to bed. Luckily that is getting much better and I am starting to get some energy back. Resting isn't so easy though. Some nights I have to get up as much as 5 times to run to the bathroom! As soon as I lay down and start to drift off, I have to get up and pee again!

I really, really feel like this baby is a boy. Although I think that may be because for about a year and a half Richard and I envisioned ourselves with a son. So who knows. I have to admit I am one of those crazy women that obsess about finding out! I can't learn the sex of this baby soon enough! Whatever it turns out to be we will be over the moon! I can think of 100 reasons why we would love a son and 100 reasons why we would love a girl, so looks like we cant go wrong.

I have to say I still get a real anxious feeling in my stomach when I think of our adoption. I am just so sad over the whole thing. For us, for other families who are waiting on a referral, families whose dossier has been sent to Vietnam, families who have received a referral but it just may not be 'official' and most of all for all those sweet, precious children who need loving families. Our agency received the last 3 referrals they will receive before the Sept 1st shut down. When I read that my heart sunk. It just felt so final. What happen? What went wrong? When we signed up in March 2007 things seemed to be going so well. There was so much hope and happiness and excitement. Now there is sadness and confusion and fear of what will happen. The outlook is just so dreary.

Richard and I have recently discussed whether or not we should pull out and look at other options. My first instinct is to withdraw from the program and after this baby is 6 months of age, start presuming another adoption. But to be honest at this point international adoption from any country seems scary. Then I think we will wait it out. Surely things will work out between the US and VN, right? Oh, but then there is that little issue of our agency not being Hague accredited. That could be a problem seeing as how it looks like the US is pushing VN to become a Hague country. Argh. This is all so frustrating. How is anyone supposed to know what to do? One wrong move could cost you months of waiting and lots of money. No wonder everyone is as confused and scared as they are.

I realize just how blessed Richard and I are to be pregnant. It truly is a gift and I am so incredibly thankful for it. I also realize there are other families that may not have options like Rich and I do. I already feel a connection to this child that was created out of the love from Richard and I. I know that God has blessed us and it feels my heart with joy. But, it doesn't mean that we aren't still grieving for this adoption. This adoption was something that Richard and I prayed for. We already felt love for a child that we had never met.

If you know me , you know that I am easily worked up. I will find things to worry about. Once I get started it's really hard to talk me down. After being together for 5 years, Richard is learning. He always reassures me in a calm and soothing voice, "It'll all work out. I promise". I have no idea what will happen with our adoption. I am trying to live more in the moment and enjoy today. That is something that is hard for a person like me to do sometimes but I try to follow Richard's example. Whatever happens I know that it will all work out and we'll have the family we were meant to have.

In the meantime I want to focus on having a happy and healthy pregnancy. I want to surround this baby with love and happy thoughts. I want to enjoy this experience because I know how special it is and just how fast it goes. My next OB apointment is July 30th. We should hear the baby's heart beat for the first time. I will no doubt get emotional and probably cry. Hearing your baby's heartbeat for the fist time; could there be anything sweeter?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Suprise Blessings

I have been trying to think of an elegant and profound way to write about how our lives have changed in the past couple of months, but I think it best just to say it; I am pregnant. 10 1/2 weeks. Richard and I are over the moon. We could not be any happier.

He and I are still 100% committed to the adoption. We want nothing more than to bring a son home from Vietnam. If I could have my way, I would be on a plan to get him right after the baby is born. CHI policy though is that we will be put on 'hold' until the baby reaches 6 months (assuming things between the US and VN will be worked out). Honestly I was relieved when I heard that. I was worried they would make us wait a year. So, ideally we hope that we will receive a referral around the time first baby is a year old, and have Samuel home 6 months later. Ideally. Am I crazy to think maybe, just maybe it will work out that way?? I hope that's not asking too much., but I have learned you can't necessarily plan for life. It is very obvious to me now that God is in charge of all the planning. When we started our adoption a year and a half ago I never would have dreamed we would be where we are now. Not that we are in a worse or better place. Just different. We dream of a diverse family made up from adoptions and bio-babies. We just didn't think it would be in this order. But that's okay. We are starting a family and that is what we both long for so much.

I am not real sure what I am going to do with this blog. I want to put something together that will incorporate everything happening in our lives. The adoption, being pregnant, Richard graduating, etc. I definitely want to write more often. I have an account set up with word press so I think I will move soon.

It's so funny how life works out, isn't it? But if there is one thing I believe it's that everything has a purpose and a reason. And knowing that gives me comfort and reminds me that everything will always be okay.

Friday, June 6, 2008

"All is connected ... no one thing can change by itself."

Tomorrow we have been on the waiting list for a referral for a year.

It's funny how time changes a situation. We never would have guessed things would have turned out the way they have. Never.

A lot has changed over the past year. Who knows what exactly will happen with our adoption or the adoptions of so many other families. I do belive that we will bring our son home from Vietnam…eventually. In the meantime I will be happy. I will be thankful. To sum the past year up by only acknowledging our pursuit to adopt would be a disservice to everything else that has happen in our lives. Here I am a year later and I still have all my loved ones with me. No divorces, no deaths in our family. Instead we have had weddings and births.

Today I will look forward and be happy for all the wonderful things in our life that have yet to come and I will look back and be greatfull for all of our blessings.

I'll go anywhere as long as it is forward-— David Livingstone

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Happy Birthday, Daddy. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of you. I love you and miss you more than anyone could ever know. I know that you are with me in spirit and that gives me comfort.

Happy Birthday.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Heart Broken

Yesterday I was in the worst slump ever!! I honestly cried at work a couple of times. Monday night I got no rest. Not after what Rich and I witnessed that evening. What we saw took our breath away. Complete devastation. Memphis lost the NCAA Championship game.

I thought they had it. They were up by 9 with just over 2 minutes to go and we lost it. That is what makes it hurt so bad. I don't think it would have been as painful if we had trailed most of the game. But to be that close?!?! To have it in our HANDS!!!!

I was so upset. I was an emotional wreck. I told people I felt like my dog died. I told Richard I don't know if I can get as emotionally invested in a sports team again. It's just too much!! I know it's only a game, but it would have meant so much to the team and Memphis.

I grew up in the Memphis area and have just moved to Nashville only 4 years ago, so my heart is in the River City for sure. I think Memphis gets a bad rap. Yea, it certainly has it's problems like most major cities, but there is so much history and tradition. Memphis as a city needed that win and the great guys that played on Monday night really wanted to bring it home. Also, I just want to mention that the guys on that team also get a undeserved bad rap. People see that tattoos and assuming that because they play for Memphis they have to be bad kids. But they aren't. A lot of them have had a really rough start and have not had life easy. They have come a long way so it was heartbreaking to see them lose.

But, they have given us an awesome season. Only 2 lost games all year one of them being the championship game. #2 overall…Not so bad :)

GGGOOO Tigers!!!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Stepping over the Stone

I can't believe it, but I am turning 30 this month. It feels so weird to think of myself as being 30! I certainly don't feel it. I remember when I was much younger thinking, by the time I was 30 I would have a few kids, a husband and everything together and I would have all this confidence and that I would be so, so smart and have everything figured out.

Not exactly the case. At 30 I don't have any children yet nor at this moment will I have one in the immediate future. Other than being a wife and mother still not sure what exactly I want to do with my life. There are still so many things that I don't know or haven't done. Yet, when I look back at all the decisions I have made thru my life and all the relationships I have had, I don't have a single regret. I love my life now. Love. I am so very blessed with a wonderful husband, I have wonderful friends and such a close family. Richard and I have a close relationship that continues to grow stronger with each passing day. At our age we are blessed with no debt and have a future that will continue to be financially secure. He and I both have the same goals when it comes to having a family. I have the greatest friends, some who I have known 10, 15, 25 + years. And I could not be blessed with a more wonderful and loving family. Changing any direction in my past could have lead me away from the people that are in my life now. It's the people that make your life what it is. It is the people that really matter. So even though my life isn't what I envisioned it to be at 30 I am happy. Truly and completely happy. The one and only thing in the world that could make it better would be a child. And I know that day will come. Soon.

As I said above I have awesome friends. My three BFF's from Mississippi drove up to see me last weekend to celebrate. We also celebrated St. Patrick's day while we were at it. My friend Rachel who lives in Nashville also went out with us. We had a great time and I was so sad when they had to leave on Sunday. I can't wait until April to see them again!! I love you guys so, so much!!

Okay. I guess I should mention the adoption. Ugh. That should say it all. It is very scary right now to be adopting form Vietnam. I have read that VN and the US will not resign a bilateral agreement and that instead VN will become a Hague country. Of course this is not 'official' and I should note that I didn't even get this information from my agency. BUT, I have a horrible nagging feeling in my gut this will in fact be the case. Again, as of right now it is just a rumor. Just something I have read. Either way it dose not looked good and I do not look for the MOU to be resigned. I hope and pray that I am terribly wrong. I guess we should know by the end of the month. Let's all say a prayer that they can work something out so all of the many, many families can be united.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I am it!

Yay! I have been tagged by H at Star Light Star Bright (one of my favorite blogs)!

List 7 random things that people may not know about you. The rules are to link the person who sent this to you and leave a comment on their blog so their readers can visit yours. Post the rules on your blog. Share 7 facts about yourself. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. My apartment has to always be clean. It freaks me out to have anything out of place. I am prepared for people to stop by at anytime of the day, any time of the week. You will never find my place a mess. My Saturday mornings revolve around 'cleaning clean'. Every Saturday I clean the floors in the kitchen, spray down the counters, dust, flip couch cushen, clean both bathrooms top to bottom, etc…you get the point. Then and only then can I sit down to enjoy my cup of coffee. Luckily I get up pretty early in the AM and have all this done sometimes before Rich is even up. I literally get out of bed and go straight to the kitchen and clean. I love it.

2. I was Mississippi State Champ in my divison in Karate when I was 12. Yea, I was pretty Bad ass :)

3. I am Catholic. I went to a Catholic school growing up. My entire mother's side of the family are practicing Catholics. My grandmother and Poppa have been the best examples of how to live in the Catholic Faith. Richard converted to Catholicism before we were married. I didn't even have to ask. He willingly volunteered and I cant tell you what it meant to me. Converting to Catholicism is not easy. Lots of classes and lots of retreats. It took almost 9 months to complete the process. Our children will be raised Catholic so it means a lot that we as a family will share in the same faith.

4. I do all the accounting for a new home builder in middle Tennessee, yet I have not paid so much as one personal bill. Richard handles all our finances and pays all the bills. The thought of handling our personal account stresses me out. I will let him deal with the process and he can just give me the bottom line.

5. I love spicy stuff. I also love sour stuff. It can't be too spicy or too sour.

6. I am NOT the party animal. Even on the weekends I like to be home, in bed by 10 pm and up the next morning at 6:30-7:00am. Usually once a month I will meet up with my girlfriends and we will go out and it will be WAY past my bed time before we get home and even if I just have a few cocktails I am usually still recovering 2 days later. Yuck.

7. Have you ever seen John & Kate plus 8? SO Cute! I want that life! Well, maybe not 8 kids, but I always wanted like 5. And I think it would be so awesome to have them so close (same as) in age! I know, I know. It would probably be a total headache most days.And the money! Where would you get the money? But I have always wanted a really large family! And all the headaches would be worth it when you have all these people to love! But because of our age and Richard's school it doesn't look like that is in our future. I turn 30 in March and we don't have a baby yet. So I guess if God sees fit we can plan on three.

Okay- I am supposed to tag 7 people but I am a little late. Most of the people I would tag have already been tagged. So, if you haven't been tagged, you're it!!
I also am late in posting about what Rich and I did for Valentines day. I have pictures so I just need to load them up and write about it. I hope to do that this week!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

...and the greatest of these is Love

*** I want to thank those who commented or emailed me about my last post regarding my Daddy. Your kind words mean so, so much. And yes, it definitely does help to know that others understand. Your kindness means so much!**

Last weekend I went home (Mississippi) for one of my best friend, Christina's birthday. We have been friends for 26 years and she is like a sister. She turned 30, so it was a HUGE celebration. There was a big group of us and we even got to ride a party bus! We made several stops at different bars and clubs around Memphis. At 3 am my other Bff Samantha and I were falling asleep where we stood! I remember a time when staying out until 5 am was no big deal at all. Not anymore!! Now I turn into a pumpkin at midnight! But as always we had the best time and it was worth it to stay up past my bedtime! Happy Birthday, C! I love you!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day and you get to spend it with the people you love!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

2 Days before Valentines day..

And 5 years ago my daddy had a heart attach. His heart had stopped beating for 22 minutes before the doctors revived him. After the three months that would follow, it was something we wished they would not have done. My daddy was in what the doctors so frankly called a 'Stupor'. It's a coma like state, only his eyes are open and he would follow some sound. However, he could not follow command so we don't know whether his mind was actually functioning or not. I certainly hope it was not. In fact believing that he had no idea what was going on is the only thing that will let me deal with what happen. Seeing someone you love so much go thru something so horrific HAS GOT to be the WORST feeling in the world. He spent 3 months back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. Never looked after and cared for by staff as he should have been. At least that is how we feel. We were totally helpless. There was nothing we could do to help him or to make it better. We would talk to him and hold his hands all the while praying that he wasn't aware we were there because we simply didn't want him to be aware of anything. The doctors would tell us that with the kind of brain damage Daddy had, there was no hope. They told us he would continue to get infection after infection until his heart finally gave out. They were right.

I have a lot of guilt regarding the death of my father. Not of what I did or didn't do while he was 'with us'. We had a good relationship. He knew I loved him and I know he loved us very much. My guilt I guess comes from wondering if I spent enough time at the hospital with him. Was I strong enough for my mother? Was I there for her in the way she needed me? Did I talked to him enough, just in case he did hear. Was there something else we should have done, could have done to make him more comfortable? My mother and I weren't with him when he died. Did he know?

When I think of my dad's passing and his life the one word that just repeats in my mind is "Sorry". I am sorry this happen to him. I am sorry he had to live like he did the last 3 months of his life. I am sorry he worked a job for 20+ years he HATED just to support us all those years. I am sorry he had to work that job 12 to 14 hours a day. I am sorry he didn't see me or my brother get married. I am sorry that he will never met my children. I am sorry he and my mom didn't make it to their trip to Vegas that he was SO excited about. I am sorry he couldn't have spent the last year of his life doing everything he loved to do. I am sorry for all the pain he had growing up in an abusive house. I am sorry that his mother turned him away when he told her he was being abused by his dad. I am sorry at 16 years old he was sent off to military school because his parents simply didn't want to deal with him anymore. I am sorry for how rejected his family must have made him feel as a child and teenager. I am sorry he never got to go to all the places he wanted to go. I am sorry that he wasn't ever able to deal with the pain of his childhood and so he drank. I am sorry he didn't get the opportunity to grow old with my mother. I am sorry they never got to move. I am sorry that he never really was able to deal with all the different emotions he felt when my grandfather passed away. I am sorry that I was sometimes embarrassed of my dad because he could be loud. I am sorry he couldn't earn a living by playing the bass. I a sorry my dad never felt real love until he married my mother. I am sorry my wheelchair bound grandfather would have his brother beat up my dad because he couldn't do it. I am sorry it was my dad's same uncle that dropped him off at military school rather than his own mother or father. I am sorry for every day that my dad felt sad. I am sorry that he was only given 44 years.

One thing I am happy for is the love I know he felt from my mom, brother and me. My mother was no doubt the best thing to happen to my dad. She loved him totally and completely. My dad was defiantly a family man and we meant more to him than anything. He was so proud of us.

I miss him terribly. There is no sorrow that can be compared to the sorrow of losing a parent. Especially when it happens too soon. I am not sure, 5 years later, if I have really dealt with the pain. It's too sad. Too scary. I talked to him often and ask that God be sure that Daddy has complete peace. I think after everything, he deserves it now.

My mom, brother and I are left to remember and love him. I thank God for giving me a mother who is as strong as my mom is. I can't imagine the pain and feeling of loss that she feels. But it is all a little easier when we are able to lean on each other.

5 years ago my Daddy went in a coma. In some ways it feels like it was just last week. Other ways it seems like it's been an eternity. My life has changed in so many ways since he and I last spoke. I know he is happy for where I am at. Words can't express how much I miss him nor how very much I love him. I feel him with me often. I still feel his love and I know that he is always looking out for the three of us and that is a thought that makes me smile.

Happy Valentines day, Daddy. I love and miss you very, very much.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

8 months ago today

We were added to the waiting list for the referral of an infant boy born in Vietnam.

Wow. 8 months. It seems like such a significant amount of time. Looking back to when we had just begun this process I thought 8 months would be bringing us close to our son. I would think a head to 6 months and 9 months and get so excited thinking it wouldn't be too much longer, but now I realize we have many, many, many more months to go.

Lets pray that the MOU situation will be worked out if not by September, soon after. We should know one way or the other by March. I am very anxious. What will we do if they don't resign? Last I checked about a month ago we were #127 on the waiting list. I doubt we will get the call to start our dossier before the Sept 1st cut off. Rich and I are the people that the DOS was warning. We have been officially and actively involved in this adoption for 11 months, yet the only progress we have made is to slowly move up a waiting list. A waiting list to get on another waiting list. A wait which by the way has been extended 3 times since we have been added. Ugh. What do we do? If they don't resign I guess we could wait it out and pray that the suspension of adoptions isn't very long and that the VG does continue to complete adoptions for those who have their dossiers logged in and those who have referrals. That way we would at least continue to climb the waiting list we are on. Ideally the MOU would be resigned with in a year or less and by that time our agency would have received referrals and it would be close to our time anyway.

But what if the suspension is as long as it was before? What if it is 2 years, 3 years??

And at what point do we say we have waited long enough? After one year? Gosh, the idea of being so financially and even more emotionally involved in this adoption and investing so much time in WAITING, just to have to jump ship and start all over again with a different program is so very scary.

I know it sounds cliché, but Richard and I feel connected to a child that hasn't even been born. He has a name, he has a crib, he has clothes, he has books, he has toys. We have taken several classes and spent countless hours reading, watching and researching the best way to love and care for an adopted child. I have spent many nights praying for him and his birth mother. So this adoption has to happen, right? I mean we will bring home a son, OUR son, right??

Were we silly to be so excited when our application was accepted? Was I silly to announce to family and friends we were adopting our child from Vietnam? Were we silly to give him a name to make him feel more real? Was it silly of us to buy and paint his crib and dresser? Is it silly of me to day dream of having him in our arms? Was it silly of us to get so excited? I almost feel foolish sometimes.

As far as preparing for him I feel like maybe we did too much too fast. When we signed up I felt sure that we would have him home in a year and half, easy. Now I feel we will be extremely blessed to even have a referral by then.

I want this adoption to happen in the worst way, but I have to be honest with myself. Am I willing to wait another 2,3 years? I don't know. I want to be a mother. I want a child. And not just one either. We want a few. I am scared to wait not knowing what will happen.

But just the thought that we may have to pull out of this program makes us feel in a way like we would be betraying him. Like we are giving up on him.

I guess for now we will continue to just...wait.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Stay near your safe place, it's going to be a long night…

I remember when I was young being scared, almost panicked, by thunderstorms. Whenever there was a storm at night after we were all sleeping, I would wake up and take my pillow and my blanket and lay on the floor next to my parents bed. If there was a tornado warning I would repeatedly ask my parents "Is there going to be a tornado?". I was terrified of what the storm might do to us and our house and what was worse, there was nothing anyone could do to control it.

As I have gotten older and now reaching my 30's, I have to admit this is one fear I have not grown out of.

When I walked outside yesterday to go to work I realized it was way too warm for the beautiful winter-white coat I was wearing. When I got in my car I discovered it was 65 degrees. 65! In February! I knew then that we were going to be in for some storms. I spent all day stressing about it! I started watching the weather in Memphis because my family and friends are in the Memphis area and Nashville usually gets the weather from that area.

The storm really hit Northern Mississippi/ Memphis about 6:00. As it traveled thru Memphis, Jackson it didn't reach us until about 9:30/10 pm. As soon as it hit our area Rich and I were bunkered down in the tub. I had reached such a high state of fear I was shaking and in tears. We had heard on the news about all the destruction in Memphis and in Jackson and I was terrified it would happen to us. Poor Richard tried to calm me down but he couldn’t convince me we would be okay. It passed within like 5 minutes, I calmed down and got ready for round two. The second line of storms didn’t get to us until 2 am!! I think I finally turned the weather channel off at 2:30am and feel asleep not long after feeling relevied and blessed we doged another bullett.

I have never been in a tornado. I have never even been victim to a sever thunderstorm. So what gives?? Why this gripping fear of storms?? I wonder if it is a control thing. Is it because I know what will be, will be and there is nothing in the world I or anyone else can do about it? The idea of dying in a horrible storm with terrible, monstrous tornados isn't a fun thought either. I don’t know what it is, but I seriously need to find a way to get over it. It is no way to live.

Talking to my mother about last night and her being very familiar with my (sometimes irrational) fear, she said something that I absolutely loved.

Fear Knocked at the door ,Faith Answered,Nothing was there.

God's will will never take you were God's grace does not protect you.

At least 48 people were killed. A reported 67 tornadoes touched down. A pumping station explosion in Tennessee killed at least one person.
The victims included 24 people in Tennessee, 13 in Arkansas, seven in Kentucky and four in Alabama.

Let's pray for all the victims and their families. So, so sad and such a horrific tragedy.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Pinch of patience

2 post in one day? I know!

This was in our agency's monthly VN newsletter and thought it was so wonderful I had to post for thoes who didn't see it!

Recipe for Tet Eve:
1. Take the twelve months of the year and then wash away all the bitterness, jealousy, and hate. Drain well.
2. With precision, cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 pieces.
3. Combine well with:

Pinch of love
Pinch of patience
Pinch of courage
Pinch of effort
Pinch of hope
Pinch of fidelity
4. Marinate the mixture with optimism, self confidence and humor.
5. Set aside to soak for a while in a solution of "Our own hearty resolutions."
6. Scoop the mixture out, grind it finely, put it all into a "pot of love" and cook over "happy, cheerful" heat.
7. Serve in bowls of "indulgence," eat with "smiles," and you will have a NEW YEAR FULL OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS.


Hope is the companion of power, and the mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miricales.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Tag! I'm it!

I've been tagged by H at Star Light Star Bright! Yay! A reason to post =)

4 jobs I've had:
1. I worked at an ice cream stand that was named "Boomers". Looking back it was a their cheap version of Hooters. Only at 16 I had no idea!!
2. West Clinic in Memphis. It is an Oncology Clinic and I worked the front desk
3. Hunter Fan as an import specialist.
4. Fox Ridge Homes. They are a new home builder and I do their accounting. Very exciting :)

4 movies I've watched over and over:
1. Napoleon Dynamite
2. The Ring (love scary movies!)
3. Office Space
4. Others

4 places I have lived: Oh, gosh...I don't even know if I can list 4!
1. Walls, Mississippi
2. Horn Lake, Mississippi
3. Southaven, Mississippi
4. Nashville, TN

From the time I moved out of my parents home, I never lived more than 5 minutes from them. So the move to Nashville was HUGE as it is like 4 hours away!!!

4 shows I watch:
1. The Office
2. Two and a half Men
3. Friday night lights
4. Project Runway

4 places I've been:This list wont be too exciting..
1. Jamacia
2. Florida
3. Alabama
4. Atlanta

4 favorite things to eat:
1. Mexican
2. Burgers
3. peanut butter
4. Anything fried!

4 places I'd rather be:
1. Closer to family. Anywhere, just closer.
2. The beach
3. at home on the couch with a good book
4. at dinner with Richard sharing a glass of wine

4 things I look forward to this year:
1. A Baby coming into our lives
2. Richard finishing school and getting his PhD
3. Moving. Whether we stay in Nashville or Richard's carrer takes us somewhere else I am excited to start this new chapter
4. Spending every moment I can with the people I love the most!

Okay I am supposed to tagg others but I am a little late in the game, so if you haven't been tagged yet, You're it!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

In The Perfect Place...

"May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have recieved and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let his presence settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance praises and love."