And 5 years ago my daddy had a heart attach. His heart had stopped beating for 22 minutes before the doctors revived him. After the three months that would follow, it was something we wished they would not have done. My daddy was in what the doctors so frankly called a 'Stupor'. It's a coma like state, only his eyes are open and he would follow some sound. However, he could not follow command so we don't know whether his mind was actually functioning or not. I certainly hope it was not. In fact believing that he had no idea what was going on is the only thing that will let me deal with what happen. Seeing someone you love so much go thru something so horrific HAS GOT to be the WORST feeling in the world. He spent 3 months back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. Never looked after and cared for by staff as he should have been. At least that is how we feel. We were totally helpless. There was nothing we could do to help him or to make it better. We would talk to him and hold his hands all the while praying that he wasn't aware we were there because we simply didn't want him to be aware of anything. The doctors would tell us that with the kind of brain damage Daddy had, there was no hope. They told us he would continue to get infection after infection until his heart finally gave out. They were right.
I have a lot of guilt regarding the death of my father. Not of what I did or didn't do while he was 'with us'. We had a good relationship. He knew I loved him and I know he loved us very much. My guilt I guess comes from wondering if I spent enough time at the hospital with him. Was I strong enough for my mother? Was I there for her in the way she needed me? Did I talked to him enough, just in case he did hear. Was there something else we should have done, could have done to make him more comfortable? My mother and I weren't with him when he died. Did he know?
When I think of my dad's passing and his life the one word that just repeats in my mind is "Sorry". I am sorry this happen to him. I am sorry he had to live like he did the last 3 months of his life. I am sorry he worked a job for 20+ years he HATED just to support us all those years. I am sorry he had to work that job 12 to 14 hours a day. I am sorry he didn't see me or my brother get married. I am sorry that he will never met my children. I am sorry he and my mom didn't make it to their trip to Vegas that he was SO excited about. I am sorry he couldn't have spent the last year of his life doing everything he loved to do. I am sorry for all the pain he had growing up in an abusive house. I am sorry that his mother turned him away when he told her he was being abused by his dad. I am sorry at 16 years old he was sent off to military school because his parents simply didn't want to deal with him anymore. I am sorry for how rejected his family must have made him feel as a child and teenager. I am sorry he never got to go to all the places he wanted to go. I am sorry that he wasn't ever able to deal with the pain of his childhood and so he drank. I am sorry he didn't get the opportunity to grow old with my mother. I am sorry they never got to move. I am sorry that he never really was able to deal with all the different emotions he felt when my grandfather passed away. I am sorry that I was sometimes embarrassed of my dad because he could be loud. I am sorry he couldn't earn a living by playing the bass. I a sorry my dad never felt real love until he married my mother. I am sorry my wheelchair bound grandfather would have his brother beat up my dad because he couldn't do it. I am sorry it was my dad's same uncle that dropped him off at military school rather than his own mother or father. I am sorry for every day that my dad felt sad. I am sorry that he was only given 44 years.
One thing I am happy for is the love I know he felt from my mom, brother and me. My mother was no doubt the best thing to happen to my dad. She loved him totally and completely. My dad was defiantly a family man and we meant more to him than anything. He was so proud of us.
I miss him terribly. There is no sorrow that can be compared to the sorrow of losing a parent. Especially when it happens too soon. I am not sure, 5 years later, if I have really dealt with the pain. It's too sad. Too scary. I talked to him often and ask that God be sure that Daddy has complete peace. I think after everything, he deserves it now.
My mom, brother and I are left to remember and love him. I thank God for giving me a mother who is as strong as my mom is. I can't imagine the pain and feeling of loss that she feels. But it is all a little easier when we are able to lean on each other.
5 years ago my Daddy went in a coma. In some ways it feels like it was just last week. Other ways it seems like it's been an eternity. My life has changed in so many ways since he and I last spoke. I know he is happy for where I am at. Words can't express how much I miss him nor how very much I love him. I feel him with me often. I still feel his love and I know that he is always looking out for the three of us and that is a thought that makes me smile.
Happy Valentines day, Daddy. I love and miss you very, very much.
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11 comments:
beautiful post... i'm so sorry for your loss.
I share a lot of the same feelings as you looking back, and I know how hard it can be! My response may not be what you want to hear, but I'll take a chance... ask yourself... would your dad be sorry?? It seems that he persevered through so much and got the reward of a loving and supportive family!! God uses the hard times in our lives to help us grow stronger in faith. I'm sure there is a good reason God let your father live those 3 months, weather for him, the surviving family, or for you to use as a testimony for someone else! Also remember that you father will know your family when you are all in heaven together. Trust in God and remember the good times!! I'll be praying for you and your family!!!!
I share a lot of the same feelings as you looking back, and I know how hard it can be! My response may not be what you want to hear, but I'll take a chance... ask yourself... would your dad be sorry?? It seems that he persevered through so much and got the reward of a loving and supportive family!! God uses the hard times in our lives to help us grow stronger in faith. I'm sure there is a good reason God let your father live those 3 months, weather for him, the surviving family, or for you to use as a testimony for someone else! Also remember that you father will know your family when you are all in heaven together. Trust in God and remember the good times!! I'll be praying for you and your family!!!!
I'm so sorry Shannon. I can definitely sympathize with you, as I lost my mom and her last 3 months were the worst...
The important thing is that you did all that you could at the time. Intentions are worth something...
i am so sorry for your loss shannon. it sounds like you had an amazing relationship with your father. i am sorry that you and your family had to go through all of this...i can't even imagine. this time of year must be so hard for you.
I am so sorry Shannon. I hope that sharing your story with us has helped ease your ache today a little.
I'm sorry that you and your family had to go through all that. Your dad really had to have been a strong person to get through such a bad childhood and adolescence. But would he have wanted you to have such regrets. I'm sure he knows you and the rest of your family did what they thought was best at the time and that it was no one's fault, especially not yours. He wouldn't want you to continue going through life feeling such a burden.
This was a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that is still within your heart. Your father must have been a very strong and courageous person to have triumphed in the face of so much adversity. I'm sure he is very proud of you and proud of who you have become in the last five years.
Wow, reading your post really hit home. My mom died unexpectedly at 54 and it will be 2 years this April. I have so many of these same feelings but I tend to cover them up with bad humor (as kindly pointed out by our home study social worker...). You wrote that so beautifully it brought me to tears. I know how hard it is and knowing other people deal with this too really helps. Thank you for sharing.
Beautifully put and I can relate as I lost my mom when she was only 48. It's tough, hang in there...he would be proud of you!
I cannot believe that it has only been 5 years. I am so sorry about what happened. That was a beatiful post. Everyone who knew your daddy loved him very much. He was a favorite in the family. At least now he is at peace and able to watch you grow from above. He raised a beautifully amazing daughter and his spirit lives on in both you and your brother. I love and miss you!
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