13 Weeks!

Today I am 13 weeks. The baby is just over 3 inches long and is about the size of a peach. I remember reading when we first found out that I was pregnant that the baby was the size of a poppy seed. s/he has really done some growing in the past few weeks. And I must say, so have I! At 3 months pregnant I officially cannot fit into anything of mine that zips, buttons or clasps. I had to go out and buy some sun dresses to get me through the summer. Luckily it is easy to find styles that are loose fitting and flowing.

Overall I have been very lucky. No real morning sickness to speak of. Occasionally I get a 'unsettled' feeling in my tummy, but usually if I snack on something it goes away. So, eat I must :) I was really, super tired the first couple of months. I would come home from work, eat and go straight to bed. Luckily that is getting much better and I am starting to get some energy back. Resting isn't so easy though. Some nights I have to get up as much as 5 times to run to the bathroom! As soon as I lay down and start to drift off, I have to get up and pee again!

I really, really feel like this baby is a boy. Although I think that may be because for about a year and a half Richard and I envisioned ourselves with a son. So who knows. I have to admit I am one of those crazy women that obsess about finding out! I can't learn the sex of this baby soon enough! Whatever it turns out to be we will be over the moon! I can think of 100 reasons why we would love a son and 100 reasons why we would love a girl, so looks like we cant go wrong.

I have to say I still get a real anxious feeling in my stomach when I think of our adoption. I am just so sad over the whole thing. For us, for other families who are waiting on a referral, families whose dossier has been sent to Vietnam, families who have received a referral but it just may not be 'official' and most of all for all those sweet, precious children who need loving families. Our agency received the last 3 referrals they will receive before the Sept 1st shut down. When I read that my heart sunk. It just felt so final. What happen? What went wrong? When we signed up in March 2007 things seemed to be going so well. There was so much hope and happiness and excitement. Now there is sadness and confusion and fear of what will happen. The outlook is just so dreary.

Richard and I have recently discussed whether or not we should pull out and look at other options. My first instinct is to withdraw from the program and after this baby is 6 months of age, start presuming another adoption. But to be honest at this point international adoption from any country seems scary. Then I think we will wait it out. Surely things will work out between the US and VN, right? Oh, but then there is that little issue of our agency not being Hague accredited. That could be a problem seeing as how it looks like the US is pushing VN to become a Hague country. Argh. This is all so frustrating. How is anyone supposed to know what to do? One wrong move could cost you months of waiting and lots of money. No wonder everyone is as confused and scared as they are.

I realize just how blessed Richard and I are to be pregnant. It truly is a gift and I am so incredibly thankful for it. I also realize there are other families that may not have options like Rich and I do. I already feel a connection to this child that was created out of the love from Richard and I. I know that God has blessed us and it feels my heart with joy. But, it doesn't mean that we aren't still grieving for this adoption. This adoption was something that Richard and I prayed for. We already felt love for a child that we had never met.

If you know me , you know that I am easily worked up. I will find things to worry about. Once I get started it's really hard to talk me down. After being together for 5 years, Richard is learning. He always reassures me in a calm and soothing voice, "It'll all work out. I promise". I have no idea what will happen with our adoption. I am trying to live more in the moment and enjoy today. That is something that is hard for a person like me to do sometimes but I try to follow Richard's example. Whatever happens I know that it will all work out and we'll have the family we were meant to have.

In the meantime I want to focus on having a happy and healthy pregnancy. I want to surround this baby with love and happy thoughts. I want to enjoy this experience because I know how special it is and just how fast it goes. My next OB apointment is July 30th. We should hear the baby's heart beat for the first time. I will no doubt get emotional and probably cry. Hearing your baby's heartbeat for the fist time; could there be anything sweeter?