Heart Broken

Yesterday I was in the worst slump ever!! I honestly cried at work a couple of times. Monday night I got no rest. Not after what Rich and I witnessed that evening. What we saw took our breath away. Complete devastation. Memphis lost the NCAA Championship game.

I thought they had it. They were up by 9 with just over 2 minutes to go and we lost it. That is what makes it hurt so bad. I don't think it would have been as painful if we had trailed most of the game. But to be that close?!?! To have it in our HANDS!!!!




I was so upset. I was an emotional wreck. I told people I felt like my dog died. I told Richard I don't know if I can get as emotionally invested in a sports team again. It's just too much!! I know it's only a game, but it would have meant so much to the team and Memphis.

I grew up in the Memphis area and have just moved to Nashville only 4 years ago, so my heart is in the River City for sure. I think Memphis gets a bad rap. Yea, it certainly has it's problems like most major cities, but there is so much history and tradition. Memphis as a city needed that win and the great guys that played on Monday night really wanted to bring it home. Also, I just want to mention that the guys on that team also get a undeserved bad rap. People see that tattoos and assuming that because they play for Memphis they have to be bad kids. But they aren't. A lot of them have had a really rough start and have not had life easy. They have come a long way so it was heartbreaking to see them lose.

But, they have given us an awesome season. Only 2 lost games all year one of them being the championship game. #2 overall…Not so bad :)





GGGOOO Tigers!!!!

Stepping over the Stone

I can't believe it, but I am turning 30 this month. It feels so weird to think of myself as being 30! I certainly don't feel it. I remember when I was much younger thinking, by the time I was 30 I would have a few kids, a husband and everything together and I would have all this confidence and that I would be so, so smart and have everything figured out.

Not exactly the case. At 30 I don't have any children yet nor at this moment will I have one in the immediate future. Other than being a wife and mother still not sure what exactly I want to do with my life. There are still so many things that I don't know or haven't done. Yet, when I look back at all the decisions I have made thru my life and all the relationships I have had, I don't have a single regret. I love my life now. Love. I am so very blessed with a wonderful husband, I have wonderful friends and such a close family. Richard and I have a close relationship that continues to grow stronger with each passing day. At our age we are blessed with no debt and have a future that will continue to be financially secure. He and I both have the same goals when it comes to having a family. I have the greatest friends, some who I have known 10, 15, 25 + years. And I could not be blessed with a more wonderful and loving family. Changing any direction in my past could have lead me away from the people that are in my life now. It's the people that make your life what it is. It is the people that really matter. So even though my life isn't what I envisioned it to be at 30 I am happy. Truly and completely happy. The one and only thing in the world that could make it better would be a child. And I know that day will come. Soon.

As I said above I have awesome friends. My three BFF's from Mississippi drove up to see me last weekend to celebrate. We also celebrated St. Patrick's day while we were at it. My friend Rachel who lives in Nashville also went out with us. We had a great time and I was so sad when they had to leave on Sunday. I can't wait until April to see them again!! I love you guys so, so much!!






Okay. I guess I should mention the adoption. Ugh. That should say it all. It is very scary right now to be adopting form Vietnam. I have read that VN and the US will not resign a bilateral agreement and that instead VN will become a Hague country. Of course this is not 'official' and I should note that I didn't even get this information from my agency. BUT, I have a horrible nagging feeling in my gut this will in fact be the case. Again, as of right now it is just a rumor. Just something I have read. Either way it dose not looked good and I do not look for the MOU to be resigned. I hope and pray that I am terribly wrong. I guess we should know by the end of the month. Let's all say a prayer that they can work something out so all of the many, many families can be united.

I am it!

Yay! I have been tagged by H at Star Light Star Bright (one of my favorite blogs)!


Rules:
List 7 random things that people may not know about you. The rules are to link the person who sent this to you and leave a comment on their blog so their readers can visit yours. Post the rules on your blog. Share 7 facts about yourself. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.



1. My apartment has to always be clean. It freaks me out to have anything out of place. I am prepared for people to stop by at anytime of the day, any time of the week. You will never find my place a mess. My Saturday mornings revolve around 'cleaning clean'. Every Saturday I clean the floors in the kitchen, spray down the counters, dust, flip couch cushen, clean both bathrooms top to bottom, etc…you get the point. Then and only then can I sit down to enjoy my cup of coffee. Luckily I get up pretty early in the AM and have all this done sometimes before Rich is even up. I literally get out of bed and go straight to the kitchen and clean. I love it.

2. I was Mississippi State Champ in my divison in Karate when I was 12. Yea, I was pretty Bad ass :)

3. I am Catholic. I went to a Catholic school growing up. My entire mother's side of the family are practicing Catholics. My grandmother and Poppa have been the best examples of how to live in the Catholic Faith. Richard converted to Catholicism before we were married. I didn't even have to ask. He willingly volunteered and I cant tell you what it meant to me. Converting to Catholicism is not easy. Lots of classes and lots of retreats. It took almost 9 months to complete the process. Our children will be raised Catholic so it means a lot that we as a family will share in the same faith.


4. I do all the accounting for a new home builder in middle Tennessee, yet I have not paid so much as one personal bill. Richard handles all our finances and pays all the bills. The thought of handling our personal account stresses me out. I will let him deal with the process and he can just give me the bottom line.


5. I love spicy stuff. I also love sour stuff. It can't be too spicy or too sour.

6. I am NOT the party animal. Even on the weekends I like to be home, in bed by 10 pm and up the next morning at 6:30-7:00am. Usually once a month I will meet up with my girlfriends and we will go out and it will be WAY past my bed time before we get home and even if I just have a few cocktails I am usually still recovering 2 days later. Yuck.

7. Have you ever seen John & Kate plus 8? SO Cute! I want that life! Well, maybe not 8 kids, but I always wanted like 5. And I think it would be so awesome to have them so close (same as) in age! I know, I know. It would probably be a total headache most days.And the money! Where would you get the money? But I have always wanted a really large family! And all the headaches would be worth it when you have all these people to love! But because of our age and Richard's school it doesn't look like that is in our future. I turn 30 in March and we don't have a baby yet. So I guess if God sees fit we can plan on three.

Okay- I am supposed to tag 7 people but I am a little late. Most of the people I would tag have already been tagged. So, if you haven't been tagged, you're it!!
I also am late in posting about what Rich and I did for Valentines day. I have pictures so I just need to load them up and write about it. I hope to do that this week!

...and the greatest of these is Love

*** I want to thank those who commented or emailed me about my last post regarding my Daddy. Your kind words mean so, so much. And yes, it definitely does help to know that others understand. Your kindness means so much!**

Last weekend I went home (Mississippi) for one of my best friend, Christina's birthday. We have been friends for 26 years and she is like a sister. She turned 30, so it was a HUGE celebration. There was a big group of us and we even got to ride a party bus! We made several stops at different bars and clubs around Memphis. At 3 am my other Bff Samantha and I were falling asleep where we stood! I remember a time when staying out until 5 am was no big deal at all. Not anymore!! Now I turn into a pumpkin at midnight! But as always we had the best time and it was worth it to stay up past my bedtime! Happy Birthday, C! I love you!





I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day and you get to spend it with the people you love!!

2 Days before Valentines day..

And 5 years ago my daddy had a heart attach. His heart had stopped beating for 22 minutes before the doctors revived him. After the three months that would follow, it was something we wished they would not have done. My daddy was in what the doctors so frankly called a 'Stupor'. It's a coma like state, only his eyes are open and he would follow some sound. However, he could not follow command so we don't know whether his mind was actually functioning or not. I certainly hope it was not. In fact believing that he had no idea what was going on is the only thing that will let me deal with what happen. Seeing someone you love so much go thru something so horrific HAS GOT to be the WORST feeling in the world. He spent 3 months back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. Never looked after and cared for by staff as he should have been. At least that is how we feel. We were totally helpless. There was nothing we could do to help him or to make it better. We would talk to him and hold his hands all the while praying that he wasn't aware we were there because we simply didn't want him to be aware of anything. The doctors would tell us that with the kind of brain damage Daddy had, there was no hope. They told us he would continue to get infection after infection until his heart finally gave out. They were right.

I have a lot of guilt regarding the death of my father. Not of what I did or didn't do while he was 'with us'. We had a good relationship. He knew I loved him and I know he loved us very much. My guilt I guess comes from wondering if I spent enough time at the hospital with him. Was I strong enough for my mother? Was I there for her in the way she needed me? Did I talked to him enough, just in case he did hear. Was there something else we should have done, could have done to make him more comfortable? My mother and I weren't with him when he died. Did he know?

When I think of my dad's passing and his life the one word that just repeats in my mind is "Sorry". I am sorry this happen to him. I am sorry he had to live like he did the last 3 months of his life. I am sorry he worked a job for 20+ years he HATED just to support us all those years. I am sorry he had to work that job 12 to 14 hours a day. I am sorry he didn't see me or my brother get married. I am sorry that he will never met my children. I am sorry he and my mom didn't make it to their trip to Vegas that he was SO excited about. I am sorry he couldn't have spent the last year of his life doing everything he loved to do. I am sorry for all the pain he had growing up in an abusive house. I am sorry that his mother turned him away when he told her he was being abused by his dad. I am sorry at 16 years old he was sent off to military school because his parents simply didn't want to deal with him anymore. I am sorry for how rejected his family must have made him feel as a child and teenager. I am sorry he never got to go to all the places he wanted to go. I am sorry that he wasn't ever able to deal with the pain of his childhood and so he drank. I am sorry he didn't get the opportunity to grow old with my mother. I am sorry they never got to move. I am sorry that he never really was able to deal with all the different emotions he felt when my grandfather passed away. I am sorry that I was sometimes embarrassed of my dad because he could be loud. I am sorry he couldn't earn a living by playing the bass. I a sorry my dad never felt real love until he married my mother. I am sorry my wheelchair bound grandfather would have his brother beat up my dad because he couldn't do it. I am sorry it was my dad's same uncle that dropped him off at military school rather than his own mother or father. I am sorry for every day that my dad felt sad. I am sorry that he was only given 44 years.


One thing I am happy for is the love I know he felt from my mom, brother and me. My mother was no doubt the best thing to happen to my dad. She loved him totally and completely. My dad was defiantly a family man and we meant more to him than anything. He was so proud of us.

I miss him terribly. There is no sorrow that can be compared to the sorrow of losing a parent. Especially when it happens too soon. I am not sure, 5 years later, if I have really dealt with the pain. It's too sad. Too scary. I talked to him often and ask that God be sure that Daddy has complete peace. I think after everything, he deserves it now.

My mom, brother and I are left to remember and love him. I thank God for giving me a mother who is as strong as my mom is. I can't imagine the pain and feeling of loss that she feels. But it is all a little easier when we are able to lean on each other.

5 years ago my Daddy went in a coma. In some ways it feels like it was just last week. Other ways it seems like it's been an eternity. My life has changed in so many ways since he and I last spoke. I know he is happy for where I am at. Words can't express how much I miss him nor how very much I love him. I feel him with me often. I still feel his love and I know that he is always looking out for the three of us and that is a thought that makes me smile.

Happy Valentines day, Daddy. I love and miss you very, very much.

8 months ago today

We were added to the waiting list for the referral of an infant boy born in Vietnam.

Wow. 8 months. It seems like such a significant amount of time. Looking back to when we had just begun this process I thought 8 months would be bringing us close to our son. I would think a head to 6 months and 9 months and get so excited thinking it wouldn't be too much longer, but now I realize we have many, many, many more months to go.

Lets pray that the MOU situation will be worked out if not by September, soon after. We should know one way or the other by March. I am very anxious. What will we do if they don't resign? Last I checked about a month ago we were #127 on the waiting list. I doubt we will get the call to start our dossier before the Sept 1st cut off. Rich and I are the people that the DOS was warning. We have been officially and actively involved in this adoption for 11 months, yet the only progress we have made is to slowly move up a waiting list. A waiting list to get on another waiting list. A wait which by the way has been extended 3 times since we have been added. Ugh. What do we do? If they don't resign I guess we could wait it out and pray that the suspension of adoptions isn't very long and that the VG does continue to complete adoptions for those who have their dossiers logged in and those who have referrals. That way we would at least continue to climb the waiting list we are on. Ideally the MOU would be resigned with in a year or less and by that time our agency would have received referrals and it would be close to our time anyway.

But what if the suspension is as long as it was before? What if it is 2 years, 3 years??

And at what point do we say we have waited long enough? After one year? Gosh, the idea of being so financially and even more emotionally involved in this adoption and investing so much time in WAITING, just to have to jump ship and start all over again with a different program is so very scary.

I know it sounds cliché, but Richard and I feel connected to a child that hasn't even been born. He has a name, he has a crib, he has clothes, he has books, he has toys. We have taken several classes and spent countless hours reading, watching and researching the best way to love and care for an adopted child. I have spent many nights praying for him and his birth mother. So this adoption has to happen, right? I mean we will bring home a son, OUR son, right??

Were we silly to be so excited when our application was accepted? Was I silly to announce to family and friends we were adopting our child from Vietnam? Were we silly to give him a name to make him feel more real? Was it silly of us to buy and paint his crib and dresser? Is it silly of me to day dream of having him in our arms? Was it silly of us to get so excited? I almost feel foolish sometimes.

As far as preparing for him I feel like maybe we did too much too fast. When we signed up I felt sure that we would have him home in a year and half, easy. Now I feel we will be extremely blessed to even have a referral by then.

I want this adoption to happen in the worst way, but I have to be honest with myself. Am I willing to wait another 2,3 years? I don't know. I want to be a mother. I want a child. And not just one either. We want a few. I am scared to wait not knowing what will happen.

But just the thought that we may have to pull out of this program makes us feel in a way like we would be betraying him. Like we are giving up on him.

I guess for now we will continue to just...wait.

Stay near your safe place, it's going to be a long night…

I remember when I was young being scared, almost panicked, by thunderstorms. Whenever there was a storm at night after we were all sleeping, I would wake up and take my pillow and my blanket and lay on the floor next to my parents bed. If there was a tornado warning I would repeatedly ask my parents "Is there going to be a tornado?". I was terrified of what the storm might do to us and our house and what was worse, there was nothing anyone could do to control it.

As I have gotten older and now reaching my 30's, I have to admit this is one fear I have not grown out of.

When I walked outside yesterday to go to work I realized it was way too warm for the beautiful winter-white coat I was wearing. When I got in my car I discovered it was 65 degrees. 65! In February! I knew then that we were going to be in for some storms. I spent all day stressing about it! I started watching the weather in Memphis because my family and friends are in the Memphis area and Nashville usually gets the weather from that area.

The storm really hit Northern Mississippi/ Memphis about 6:00. As it traveled thru Memphis, Jackson it didn't reach us until about 9:30/10 pm. As soon as it hit our area Rich and I were bunkered down in the tub. I had reached such a high state of fear I was shaking and in tears. We had heard on the news about all the destruction in Memphis and in Jackson and I was terrified it would happen to us. Poor Richard tried to calm me down but he couldn’t convince me we would be okay. It passed within like 5 minutes, I calmed down and got ready for round two. The second line of storms didn’t get to us until 2 am!! I think I finally turned the weather channel off at 2:30am and feel asleep not long after feeling relevied and blessed we doged another bullett.

I have never been in a tornado. I have never even been victim to a sever thunderstorm. So what gives?? Why this gripping fear of storms?? I wonder if it is a control thing. Is it because I know what will be, will be and there is nothing in the world I or anyone else can do about it? The idea of dying in a horrible storm with terrible, monstrous tornados isn't a fun thought either. I don’t know what it is, but I seriously need to find a way to get over it. It is no way to live.


Talking to my mother about last night and her being very familiar with my (sometimes irrational) fear, she said something that I absolutely loved.

Fear Knocked at the door ,Faith Answered,Nothing was there.



God's will will never take you were God's grace does not protect you.





At least 48 people were killed. A reported 67 tornadoes touched down. A pumping station explosion in Tennessee killed at least one person.
The victims included 24 people in Tennessee, 13 in Arkansas, seven in Kentucky and four in Alabama.

Let's pray for all the victims and their families. So, so sad and such a horrific tragedy.